Other Apps the Government Might as Well Ban
Shouts & MurmursPhotograph by Leo Patrizi / GettyIt’s likely the end of an era for TikTok, one of the last “third spaces” left in our country. And it’s hard to imagine saying goodbye to the app that gave us Olivia Rodrigo, girl dinner, and our A.D.H.D. diagnoses, but at least we’ll no longer lose three hours a day to studying trad wives. While the government’s at it, here are some other apps it could ban:Hinge: A great app for people who enjoy small talk and getting ghosted. It’s designed to be deleted, so let’s delete it once and for all.Facebook: It was a mistake to create an app to gather together all the unvaccinated people in your home town, your high-school classmates currently in M.L.M.s, and every family member with whom you can only stomach one conversation per year.LinkedIn: No one should have to read a pseudo-philosophical post about the secret to someone’s A.I.-startup success. We already know the secret: generational wealth. Enough about how C.E.O.s get up at 3 A.M. every day. Of course they do—their guilty consciences make it impossible to sleep.Duolingo: This owl has made more adults cry than bagpipes and “Marley & Me” combined. We wanted to improve our Spanish, not be bullied by a cartoon pipsqueak.Candy Crush: If this app goes away, we can all have relationships with our mothers again.Slack: E-mailing on the computer is more than enough. Our co-workers shouldn’t be able to reach us in the toilet stall.Uber Eats, DoorDash, Instacart, and Postmates: Unfortunately, a government threat of jail time is the only way Americans will cook again.Wallet: Tappable payment has made it too convenient to spend money. We need to get back to taking out our plastic credit cards and manually inserting them into chip readers. Even better, into a broken machine that makes us do it at least twice. The extra three to ten seconds to rethink our decisions might just save us from buying a seventeenth candle.Instagram and Twitter and Threads and Bluesky: Imagine life without any doomscrolling—we might actually invent flying cars.Settings: No more connecting to Wi-Fi. Let’s all go outside. ♦
It’s likely the end of an era for TikTok, one of the last “third spaces” left in our country. And it’s hard to imagine saying goodbye to the app that gave us Olivia Rodrigo, girl dinner, and our A.D.H.D. diagnoses, but at least we’ll no longer lose three hours a day to studying trad wives. While the government’s at it, here are some other apps it could ban:
Hinge: A great app for people who enjoy small talk and getting ghosted. It’s designed to be deleted, so let’s delete it once and for all.
Facebook: It was a mistake to create an app to gather together all the unvaccinated people in your home town, your high-school classmates currently in M.L.M.s, and every family member with whom you can only stomach one conversation per year.
LinkedIn: No one should have to read a pseudo-philosophical post about the secret to someone’s A.I.-startup success. We already know the secret: generational wealth. Enough about how C.E.O.s get up at 3 A.M. every day. Of course they do—their guilty consciences make it impossible to sleep.
Duolingo: This owl has made more adults cry than bagpipes and “Marley & Me” combined. We wanted to improve our Spanish, not be bullied by a cartoon pipsqueak.
Candy Crush: If this app goes away, we can all have relationships with our mothers again.
Slack: E-mailing on the computer is more than enough. Our co-workers shouldn’t be able to reach us in the toilet stall.
Uber Eats, DoorDash, Instacart, and Postmates: Unfortunately, a government threat of jail time is the only way Americans will cook again.
Wallet: Tappable payment has made it too convenient to spend money. We need to get back to taking out our plastic credit cards and manually inserting them into chip readers. Even better, into a broken machine that makes us do it at least twice. The extra three to ten seconds to rethink our decisions might just save us from buying a seventeenth candle.
Instagram and Twitter and Threads and Bluesky: Imagine life without any doomscrolling—we might actually invent flying cars.
Settings: No more connecting to Wi-Fi. Let’s all go outside. ♦
