Obscure Familial Relations, Explained for the Holidays
Shouts & MurmursIllustration by Luci GutiérrezChildren who share only one parent are half siblings. Children who have been bisected via a tragic logging accident are also half siblings, but in a different way.A great-aunt is someone with whom you communicate exclusively via Facebook. A great aunt is someone who catches you blazing that sticky icky after Thanksgiving dinner and doesn’t tell your parents.Your extended family includes grandparents, uncles, aunts, and cousins. It also includes Enzo, your cousin’s cousin’s cousin, who owns the Italian place down the street and proudly displays a signed photo of Bernadette Peters above the cash register. Every time you walk by with your dog, he gives you a wink and screams, “Proud home of preferred manicotti of Bernadette Peters! ” Enzo, too, is family.Sometimes your aunt is your mom’s childhood best friend, who often reflects upon that one unforgettable summer—the year she and your mom turned thirteen and learned to kiss, to cuss, and to appreciate the true meaning of friendship, sharing existential musings on the boardwalk and savoring each precious day before the humid nights turned chill and culminated in a crushing loss of innocence. Other times, your aunt is your mom’s sister.Cousins are people who share a grandparent, biologically. Cannibals are people who share a grandparent, al dente.Your great-grandniece will almost certainly perish in some sort of climate disaster, so you probably don’t need to budget for her sweet sixteen.The term “blood brother” can refer to either your biological sibling or someone with whom you’ve exchanged biohazards at Boy Scout camp. In a way, it might also refer to Enzo, who suffered a catastrophic nosebleed after walking into a telephone pole last week chasing after someone he thought was Bernadette Peters.To be a monkey’s uncle, figuratively, is to express surprise, disbelief, or amazement. To be a monkey’s uncle, literally, involves an offense punishable by up to twenty years in prison.To be “removed” from a cousin means you are separated by one generation. For example, your cousin’s daughter is your first cousin once removed. Your cousin’s daughter’s son is your first cousin twice removed. Bernadette Peters’s cousin’s daughter’s daughter’s son is named Peter, which is kind of fun.When your parent remarries, the new spouse becomes your stepparent. Example: Your mother leaves your father for Peter Peters, Bernadette Peters’s cousin’s daughter’s daughter’s son. You do not have to call him Dad.At some point, you’ll find out about Enzo’s abhorrent political beliefs. You’ll consume one too many scampi shooters in the back of his restaurant and get into a huge shouting match, after which you’ll delete his number from your phone. You’ll see him from time to time, and you’ll force a tight smile and try to explain why you haven’t called. This is what it means to be in a family. ♦
Children who share only one parent are half siblings. Children who have been bisected via a tragic logging accident are also half siblings, but in a different way.
A great-aunt is someone with whom you communicate exclusively via Facebook. A great aunt is someone who catches you blazing that sticky icky after Thanksgiving dinner and doesn’t tell your parents.
Your extended family includes grandparents, uncles, aunts, and cousins. It also includes Enzo, your cousin’s cousin’s cousin, who owns the Italian place down the street and proudly displays a signed photo of Bernadette Peters above the cash register. Every time you walk by with your dog, he gives you a wink and screams, “Proud home of preferred manicotti of Bernadette Peters! ” Enzo, too, is family.
Sometimes your aunt is your mom’s childhood best friend, who often reflects upon that one unforgettable summer—the year she and your mom turned thirteen and learned to kiss, to cuss, and to appreciate the true meaning of friendship, sharing existential musings on the boardwalk and savoring each precious day before the humid nights turned chill and culminated in a crushing loss of innocence. Other times, your aunt is your mom’s sister.
Cousins are people who share a grandparent, biologically. Cannibals are people who share a grandparent, al dente.
Your great-grandniece will almost certainly perish in some sort of climate disaster, so you probably don’t need to budget for her sweet sixteen.
The term “blood brother” can refer to either your biological sibling or someone with whom you’ve exchanged biohazards at Boy Scout camp. In a way, it might also refer to Enzo, who suffered a catastrophic nosebleed after walking into a telephone pole last week chasing after someone he thought was Bernadette Peters.
To be a monkey’s uncle, figuratively, is to express surprise, disbelief, or amazement. To be a monkey’s uncle, literally, involves an offense punishable by up to twenty years in prison.
To be “removed” from a cousin means you are separated by one generation. For example, your cousin’s daughter is your first cousin once removed. Your cousin’s daughter’s son is your first cousin twice removed. Bernadette Peters’s cousin’s daughter’s daughter’s son is named Peter, which is kind of fun.
When your parent remarries, the new spouse becomes your stepparent. Example: Your mother leaves your father for Peter Peters, Bernadette Peters’s cousin’s daughter’s daughter’s son. You do not have to call him Dad.
At some point, you’ll find out about Enzo’s abhorrent political beliefs. You’ll consume one too many scampi shooters in the back of his restaurant and get into a huge shouting match, after which you’ll delete his number from your phone. You’ll see him from time to time, and you’ll force a tight smile and try to explain why you haven’t called. This is what it means to be in a family. ♦
