My Most Compatible Matches According to Hinge

Viktoria & Kyle, you are most compatible. We think you should meet. Kyle is seeking a woman, and Viktoria, you are a woman.

Viktoria & Sam, you are most compatible. You are both between twenty-five and sixty-five years old.

Viktoria & Harry, you are a perfect match. Viktoria, you put food in your mouth, chew it, and swallow. Harry also puts food in his mouth, chews it, and swallows. Just think of all the exciting places you can put food in your mouths, together!

Viktoria & Ruff, you are most compatible. Viktoria, you did say you like dogs, right?

Viktoria & O., we see sparks flying. You both have an “O” in your names. Which letter comes after the “O” in “O.” is a mystery that you can unravel together. Could it be a vowel? Maybe. Could it be a consonant? Anything is possible on Hinge. Could “O.” just be the alias of someone trying to date incognito because they are actually married? Most likely!

Viktoria & Dijon, you are meant to be. Dijon goes well with everything and even makes vegan hot dogs palatable. Mmm, hot dogs. Is it lunchtime yet? What we mean is that you two should definitely go on a lunch date.

Viktoria & Viktor, we think you should meet, for obvious reasons.

Viktoria & Prince, you are soulmates. That’s right, Hinge is making your rom-com dreams come true. Your teen-aged self is freaking out right now. It doesn’t get any better than dating a prince! You can go ahead and start planning your royal wedding.

Viktoria & King, our bad, you two are the actual soulmates. Forget that whole prince thing and upgrade to king.

Viktoria & Druce, we think you should meet. Mainly to find out if Druce is named after some obscure aristocratic relation with a large estate that Druce is about to inherit, making his name slightly more tolerable. Or if Druce simply neglected to spell-check his profile, and his name is actually Bruce.

Viktoria & Guy, you are most compatible. Viktoria, you said you were looking for a “nice guy.” And Guy is already at least half of that.

Viktoria & Mark, you are fated to be together. We mean it this time. Mark is gorgeous. Did you see his abs? It’s, like, an eight-pack, but he’s humble so he’s only showing four. Also, his hair—luxurious shiny hair. Not a strand out of place, and so much of it. And his perfect teeth, like a toothpaste commercial. Mark has an adorable golden retriever that he refers to as his “fur baby.” And he has a real job—he’s a teacher! But he’s also an architect in his spare time? He wants to build you your dream home with his dream kitchen because he’s a Le Cordon Bleu-trained chef (just for fun). And he’s ready to introduce you to his parents. He is super close with his mom, but not in a creepy way. What do you say, Viktoria? Are you ready to meet Mark? Great! Oh, wait . . . never mind. The “Mark” profile was just reported for suspicious activity.

Viktoria & Brand (possibly Brad), you are most compatible. We think you should meet. You are both on Hinge. ♦