Introducing More Coins!

It’s widely known that [Elon] Musk despises taxes, diversity, equality, and inclusion policies, modesty, regulations, federal agencies that create them, and—while he’s at it—the entire state of California. But now it appears the Tesla CEO, world’s richest man, and leading Trump fan and advisor has also taken a grim view of the U.S. penny—and may be looking to withdraw it from production and circulation. —Inc.

Here at the U.S. Mint, we love pennies! Yes, we make a lot of other money, too, of the paper kind, but coins, and especially pennies, are our passion. Paper money is easy to counterfeit, deface, and fold into silly shapes as a bar trick. Try folding a penny into a swan. Go ahead—try it! See?

The penny is humble, stalwart, abiding. We just love the little fella. But pennies can be distinctive, too. No, really, they can! Ask anyone who has felt the thrill of finding an original ultra-rare “Filly,” the 1888 run of pennies inexplicably stamped not with Lincoln but with the face of also-was-President Millard Fillmore!

Sadly, our love of pennies is not shared by the general public. It seems that, somehow, people have had enough of this steady, friendly coinage, and so—much as it pains us to our core—we are . . . Oh, God, this is hard to type . . . We’re retiring the one-cent piece in its current, classic, form.

We are, however, committed to replacing the faithful penny with new-model pennies! Look for these freshly minted coins, coming soon to a lint trap (or jar!) near you.

THE BETTIN’ BUSHIE

This penny, with its perfectly calibrated weight distribution, is specially designed for flipping. It’s worth one cent, or whatever you’re betting on, and features two Presidents’ faces—both George Bushes, one on each side. “No—I called heads!” Guaranteed to cause arguments, or your money back.

THE KENNEDY HALFPENNY

Embossed with the visage of—surprise!—R.F.K., Jr., with his big ol’ Kennedy head, which has gotta be worth something, right? A penny designed to amuse everyone, briefly, and then be cast aside, only to ominously reappear in your pocket when you’re fishing for a dime.

THE MARK TWAIN RIVER SKIPPER

Smooth, flat, and shiny, this penny is built to skim across still waters—prototypes have skipped up to thirty times. The fact is, most pennies currently in circulation are already used for this purpose, so we might as well lean into it. Finally, you can skip soundly, knowing that each ripple is backed by the full faith and credit of the U.S. government.

THE BUCHANAN WISHLY

At last, a penny just for wishing. Did you know that James Buchanan—widely considered our worst President—was also the one with the highest hopes? He invented finger-crossing and hid rabbits’ feet under every cushion in the White House! It was all part of his effort to “hope away” the impending Civil War. Unluckily for him, he didn’t have this Treasury-approved talisman.

THE SQUARE PENNY

Is that what you’re all wanting? You don’t like the shape anymore? O.K., fine. Here’s a penny that is square, not round. In every other way, it is exactly like our old friend. Not accepted at most—really, any—Coinstars.

THE WOODEN WILLIE

This wooden penny features the face of President William Jefferson Clinton. You like him? Good for you! Spend it with pride. You don’t like him (or you liked him then, but now you see things sorta differently)? That’s fine, too. Toss him in a ditch, and watch this coin turn into nutritious mulch—a win-win.

THE HARRIET TUBMAN TWENTY-DOLLAR BILL

Everybody wants the Harriet Tubman twenty, right? So what if we agree to put an imprint of the Harriet Tubman twenty-dollar-bill prototype on the new penny? I think this idea is a mashup made in Mint heaven. Let’s do it—let’s not take a vote, let’s just dive in and do something punk rock and wild. Besides, it’s what she would have wanted. ♦