In Times like These

Look, honey. I know you’re stressed, but I think in times like these, it’s important to remember that this is not who we are. I mean, the majority of the population did vote for him, including my brothers—all of them, and yours. But that’s not who we are. We’re the good Americans, like, uh . . . I don’t know—Stanley Tucci? He’s good, right? Oh, God. Did Stanley Tucci vote for him? I mean, all signs point to no, but votes are secret. O.K., well, there are other good Americans, like . . . the Rizzler? He can’t vote, so there’s no way he voted for him. We’re good like the Rizzler! The Rizzler is who we are.

And in times like these, it’s important to remember our history. We are a proud nation that was founded on the idea of liberty and justice for all. Well, not all all—in the beginning. But after that! You know, it took a little doing. Some fighting here and there. But wasn’t this all bravely written by Thomas Jefferson who . . . right. O.K., but it’s important to remember other parts of our history that were less . . . um . . . Neil Armstrong! He was cool! That’s a cool history thing we can remember. And the moon landing? Oh, God, I’m pretty certain Buzz Aldrin voted for him. O.K., but the rest of the space program. We sure showed those Russkies! And, yes, we shot one or two monkeys into space, but we did cool stuff and no one was bad in the space program except for the Nazis who built the rockets. O.K., but think about the monkeys. Maybe they have their own planet now! Look, I’m trying here.

In times like these, it’s important to remember our institutions. He’s not going to single-handedly destroy our country and the post-WWII global order. Like, Congress? Oh, God. Full control of Congress. And don’t get me started on the courts. But there are still some good institutions. Like . . . I assume the mail? The Postal Service! It’s pretty cool, isn’t it? And what about those towns that have dogs as mayors?! It’s important to remember Mayor Scruffles. He’s a Labrador, he’s neutered, and he’s not using executive power to pardon traitors. I don’t think any other country has dog mayors or dog elected officials—so take that, people who say we’re the new Hungary! Call me when a dachshund runs Budapest!

But, seriously, in times like these, it’s important to remember there’s a whole world out there. We can move! Let’s move to Spain. We’ll just learn Spanish! How hard can it be? Hola. Mucho vino, gracias. Mi . . . uh . . . democracia está roto? Rota? Is democracia a boy or a girl? I think the word for watch is reloj? Or we could move to Canada. It’s like America, if America were boring. I can probably be a Mountie. And you can get a different Canadian job, like . . . the person who decides how much books cost, in Canadian dollars? Look, what I’m saying is that we have options. Maybe the space-monkey planet has a digital-nomad visa?

Ultimately, in times like these, it’s important to remember that all we have are our friends and family. Politics has become this overwhelming pall, hanging over every single one of our interactions, and we forget that we’re just normal people trying to do their thing in the greatest country on earth. Which reminds me, we have to let my brother stay on the couch for a few days, babe. I know, but he just got pardoned. ♦