How to Make Eggs Affordable Again

The vertiginous rise of egg prices is undermining President Donald Trump’s campaign promise to bring down the cost of living—and specifically the cost of the beloved staple. —Newsweek

Stop all federal health agencies from issuing any public communications or guidelines.

The last thing we need, egg-price-wise, is to know about some huge egg recall that makes eggs more scarce, driving up prices. Simple economics.

Fail to contain the bird flu. Although in the short term this will decrease our egg supply, ultimately we’ll be left with only the strongest chickens, from which we can breed stronger ones still. Strong chickens, strong economy.

Deny the promised resettlement of Afghan refugees who risked their lives helping the U.S. in its war against the Taliban. More people means greater demand for eggs means higher egg prices.

Suggest that we annex Greenland. Some think this was empty bluster on President Trump’s part, or just some weird fixation because he looked at a world map without understanding the Mercator projection. And maybe it was. But, if Greenland wants us to back off, it should make us an offer. Here’s an idea: lots of eggs. Art of the deal.

Threaten a military seizure of the Panama Canal. You know how many eggs go through there? A lot, I bet.

Free imprisoned insurrectionists who violently assaulted Capitol police officers while attempting to forcefully prevent the constitutional transfer of power. Someone’s gotta replace all the deported farmworkers.

Mandate that federal employees return to the office full time. Flexible work schedules have enabled Americans to explore all kinds of new pursuits. Surely one of those has been learning to poach eggs. This time-consuming practice not only detracts from economic productivity but can also be hard to perfect. More failed attempts drive up demand on the market. And once you get the hang of it, forget it. You’re poaching all the time.

Raise taxes on ninety-five per cent of Americans while lowering them for the wealthiest and for corporations. Trump hasn’t come out and said it, or even hinted as much, but my hunch is that, this year, our tax money will be put toward some sort of public egg-subsidy program. So why cut taxes on those who could contribute the most? Because we need to make sure that billionaires can scrape together enough funds to invest in our future, particularly a future in which we develop humongous, high-yield chickens. Maybe even ones with, like, three or four cloacae. Who knows?

Consider abolishing FEMA. Self-explanatory.

Set up a snitch line for government employees who witness colleagues attempting to increase workplace diversity. See previous.

Launch a national crypto coin. This stuff’s not even real, so if stores start accepting it for eggs they’re basically free.

Refrain from producing any health-care plan. Would only distract from the egg thing.

Re-rename Denali as Mount McKinley. Trump didn’t bother with this in his first term. Now it’s important enough that he mentioned it in his Inaugural Address. Ipso facto, it’s intended to tackle our most important issue (eggs). I’ll admit I can’t quite figure how, but there’s a reason he’s the one who’s in charge.

Reverse Biden’s order to lower the cost of prescription drugs and cap insulin prices. Admittedly, the logic here is rather grim. If you’re feeling judgmental, you might even call it potentially murderous. Let’s not get into that. Because, you know, lower demand.

Propose hefty tariffs on our largest trade partners. When everything else is more expensive, suddenly six dollars for eggs won’t seem so bad. ♦