App Privacy Updates for Teens
Shouts & MurmursPhotograph by Mark Mawson / GettyInstagram is making teen accounts private by default as it tries to make the platform safer for children amid a growing backlash against how social media affects young people’s lives. —Associated PressTeen Seamless: How many chimichangas is your teen actually eating? Questions like this one used to keep parents up at night, but now parents can monitor the exact number of deep-fried burritos their teens consume daily. This functionality is currently limited to chimichangas, but technology is advancing quickly.Teen Instagram: Parents can rest assured that the new security features won’t interfere with your child’s secret Snapchat account.Teen Zillow: A rite of passage for every teen is learning the exact value of their cousin’s split-level ranch. But teens deserve a bare minimum of privacy not currently afforded to any other real-estate-browsing age-bracket. To that end, Zillow has promised not to publish the floor plan of your child’s bedroom until your child is old enough to forget to opt out in the security settings.Teen Netflix: For every eight hours of anime watched, teens must now view an hour of “Borgen” to learn a little something about the way Danish politics really work.Teen Uber: Parents can track their child in real time as they are transported across state lines and sold to cannibals.Teen Wordle: Parents are alerted whenever the WordleBot thinks that “PLATE” would have been a more efficient guess than whatever bullshit word your teen entered.Teen Astrology Zone: Vulnerable, lovelorn teens will no longer have access to sensitive content, such as astrological charts confirming that their crush is a Scorpio.Teen LinkedIn: Children under the age of seventeen can apply for jobs, expand their professional network, and get a head start at grinding their teeth at night.Teen Discord: We’re actually still waiting to hear back from a teen about what regular Discord is.Teen X: Elon Musk has promised to block young people from the dangerous content of Elon Musk.Teen Resy: Parents can experience peace of mind knowing that their teens are brunching at restaurants that don’t serve bottomless mimosas. Bottomless mimosas are only a good value after your fourth mimosa, and most teens are plenty tanked after two.Teen Merlin Bird ID: The popular birding app now has parental controls that prevent impressionable teens from being exposed to the trickery of crows.Teen WeatherBug: With customized push alerts, parents can now prevent their child from tragically wearing a cable-knit sweater to school when none of the other kids are wearing one.Teen Google Maps: New security features filter out inappropriate content for kids. For instance, Fangboner Road in Fremont, Ohio, displays as Fangengorgement Road.Teen Bible: Teens will no longer receive inappropriate D.M.s from God.Teen Slack: Slack has actually added unsavory content to its platform in an effort to appeal to teens. ♦
Teen Seamless: How many chimichangas is your teen actually eating? Questions like this one used to keep parents up at night, but now parents can monitor the exact number of deep-fried burritos their teens consume daily. This functionality is currently limited to chimichangas, but technology is advancing quickly.
Teen Instagram: Parents can rest assured that the new security features won’t interfere with your child’s secret Snapchat account.
Teen Zillow: A rite of passage for every teen is learning the exact value of their cousin’s split-level ranch. But teens deserve a bare minimum of privacy not currently afforded to any other real-estate-browsing age-bracket. To that end, Zillow has promised not to publish the floor plan of your child’s bedroom until your child is old enough to forget to opt out in the security settings.
Teen Netflix: For every eight hours of anime watched, teens must now view an hour of “Borgen” to learn a little something about the way Danish politics really work.
Teen Uber: Parents can track their child in real time as they are transported across state lines and sold to cannibals.
Teen Wordle: Parents are alerted whenever the WordleBot thinks that “PLATE” would have been a more efficient guess than whatever bullshit word your teen entered.
Teen Astrology Zone: Vulnerable, lovelorn teens will no longer have access to sensitive content, such as astrological charts confirming that their crush is a Scorpio.
Teen LinkedIn: Children under the age of seventeen can apply for jobs, expand their professional network, and get a head start at grinding their teeth at night.
Teen Discord: We’re actually still waiting to hear back from a teen about what regular Discord is.
Teen X: Elon Musk has promised to block young people from the dangerous content of Elon Musk.
Teen Resy: Parents can experience peace of mind knowing that their teens are brunching at restaurants that don’t serve bottomless mimosas. Bottomless mimosas are only a good value after your fourth mimosa, and most teens are plenty tanked after two.
Teen Merlin Bird ID: The popular birding app now has parental controls that prevent impressionable teens from being exposed to the trickery of crows.
Teen WeatherBug: With customized push alerts, parents can now prevent their child from tragically wearing a cable-knit sweater to school when none of the other kids are wearing one.
Teen Google Maps: New security features filter out inappropriate content for kids. For instance, Fangboner Road in Fremont, Ohio, displays as Fangengorgement Road.
Teen Bible: Teens will no longer receive inappropriate D.M.s from God.
Teen Slack: Slack has actually added unsavory content to its platform in an effort to appeal to teens. ♦
