A Field Guide to the Phrase “Dimly Lit”
Shouts & MurmursPhotograph from GettyIf a restaurant is dimly lit, every glass of wine costs more than twenty-five dollars.If a restaurant is dimly lit, but not on purpose, the tap water is from the bathroom sink and the sparkling water is from a different bathroom sink.If a doctor’s office is dimly lit, you don’t have insurance.If a doctor’s office’s waiting room is dimly lit, they don’t take insurance.If a dentist’s office is dimly lit, you’re not at the dentist. The year is 1834 and you’re at the establishment of the town barber who does dentistry on the side. Ask him to light another oil lamp or something.If your date’s bedroom is dimly lit and there’s an unframed “Back to the Future” poster taped to the wall, they can’t afford their electricity bill.If your date’s bedroom is dimly lit and there’s a framed “Citizen Kane” poster hung on the wall, they have a trust fund and you should not Venmo them seventeen dollars for dessert.If your apartment is dimly lit, you forgot to turn on the light.If your apartment is still dimly lit after you turn on the light, you forgot to change the light bulb.If an art museum is dimly lit, it’s because the work on display will instantly turn to dust if exposed to a single sunbeam.If an art museum is dimly lit and you’re the only one in it, you’re carrying out a covert art heist. Wow, your life is so cool.If an alleyway is dimly lit, you’re about to star in an episode of “Dateline.”If a hospital is dimly lit, they’re taking out your spleen instead of your appendix. And you’re starring in a different episode of “Dateline.”If a library is dimly lit, you go to an Ivy League school.If a library is dimly lit and there are cameras everywhere, you “go” to an “Ivy League school” as an extra in a Netflix teen drama. Instead of Princeton University, the school is called University of Princeton. The show will be cancelled after one season.If a dog spa is dimly lit, you can’t afford this neighborhood.If a spa is dimly lit, you can’t afford this massage. Try the dog spa.If your cell is dimly lit, you’re in prison, but in the metaphorical sense. The days blur together, time stretching out endlessly before you like the long corridor of a prison, or of a Brooklyn condo building.The door to your spacious Williamsburg prison loft is dead-bolted twenty-three hours a day, and sunlight barely filters in through the hypothetical bars on the floor-to-ceiling windows. There’s only an hour of yard time daily at your tech job at a Greenpoint startup, and you spend it staring at the ceiling’s wood beams and wistfully wondering what life might be like should you be transferred to another prison (grad school).If your cell has fluorescent lighting, you’re in prison for that art heist.If your screen is dimly lit, it’s 2 A.M. Get off Instagram and go to sleep. ♦
If a restaurant is dimly lit, every glass of wine costs more than twenty-five dollars.
If a restaurant is dimly lit, but not on purpose, the tap water is from the bathroom sink and the sparkling water is from a different bathroom sink.
If a doctor’s office is dimly lit, you don’t have insurance.
If a doctor’s office’s waiting room is dimly lit, they don’t take insurance.
If a dentist’s office is dimly lit, you’re not at the dentist. The year is 1834 and you’re at the establishment of the town barber who does dentistry on the side. Ask him to light another oil lamp or something.
If your date’s bedroom is dimly lit and there’s an unframed “Back to the Future” poster taped to the wall, they can’t afford their electricity bill.
If your date’s bedroom is dimly lit and there’s a framed “Citizen Kane” poster hung on the wall, they have a trust fund and you should not Venmo them seventeen dollars for dessert.
If your apartment is dimly lit, you forgot to turn on the light.
If your apartment is still dimly lit after you turn on the light, you forgot to change the light bulb.
If an art museum is dimly lit, it’s because the work on display will instantly turn to dust if exposed to a single sunbeam.
If an art museum is dimly lit and you’re the only one in it, you’re carrying out a covert art heist. Wow, your life is so cool.
If an alleyway is dimly lit, you’re about to star in an episode of “Dateline.”
If a hospital is dimly lit, they’re taking out your spleen instead of your appendix. And you’re starring in a different episode of “Dateline.”
If a library is dimly lit, you go to an Ivy League school.
If a library is dimly lit and there are cameras everywhere, you “go” to an “Ivy League school” as an extra in a Netflix teen drama. Instead of Princeton University, the school is called University of Princeton. The show will be cancelled after one season.
If a dog spa is dimly lit, you can’t afford this neighborhood.
If a spa is dimly lit, you can’t afford this massage. Try the dog spa.
If your cell is dimly lit, you’re in prison, but in the metaphorical sense. The days blur together, time stretching out endlessly before you like the long corridor of a prison, or of a Brooklyn condo building.The door to your spacious Williamsburg prison loft is dead-bolted twenty-three hours a day, and sunlight barely filters in through the hypothetical bars on the floor-to-ceiling windows. There’s only an hour of yard time daily at your tech job at a Greenpoint startup, and you spend it staring at the ceiling’s wood beams and wistfully wondering what life might be like should you be transferred to another prison (grad school).
If your cell has fluorescent lighting, you’re in prison for that art heist.
If your screen is dimly lit, it’s 2 A.M. Get off Instagram and go to sleep. ♦
